i hate myself

dang!! can u stop saying that im skinny? grrrrr i know ure being honest but for goddamn sake i understand myself wayyy better than u!! i know im being skinny and looks unhealthy but for sure thats not what i want to be coz im born to be this way u moron!! arghh i eat like normal people eat and of coz i live like normal people live. i dont drink, smoke or clubbing and im underweight with flat-chested. dear god, can u stop treating me like that? CNY is just around the corner and yet there's the same damn problem i face.CLOTHES CHOOSE ME instead of me choose nice nice clothes to fit my XS size. shytee!! my family keep saying im going to be fat when im fully grown up but Dear god,im already 19. am i still growing up?only god knows sigh.

today, i almost did nothing except whining about my period pain. and again god ar? y u did this to me? y u made me suffer almost every month? i need to study ler. y im born to be this WEAK? why? why? sigh i hate myself

I shouldnt blog at this hour

just a short post =(

This is what triggers my mind to blog, raging hormones. Pimples on my forehead, constantly feel that everything is overloaded on my timetable. 3 tests next week: ESAP, Moral and General Psychology. and OSPE test for Genetics is tomorrow fml and i should be studying at this hour. =/ well, i got a horrible mood swing. all right its all my fault and i admit it. i missed meteor rain last night, throwing my temper on him for not concentrating on me when i needed him. i know. i should tolerate more,giving more space as he needs to focus on study too. i know. he's a good boyfie and changed alot better since after our big fight lol.im too stubborn to change my attitude towards him.im being bossy, and needs him to accompany me all the time.i'll try to be more tolerant and forgiving =X

yesterday, i sat for OSPE Basic Chem. it turned out to be awful. i cant finish answering questions, just not enough time and felt so much guilt for that. and i realized speed is what degree students need during exam,there's no time for us to think and answer. so bye-bye to 20% of Basic Chem =/ BIODIVERSITY! GODAMNIT! I hate that gay lecturer. setting stupid papers for CA and OSPE and expect us to know how to answer them! its impossible. i dared not to look at my CA marks today as i got only 26/40 for objective questions after CA discussion. i did a terrible job for OSPE. same case as in Basic Chem OSPE. bye bye 20% of the Biodiversity. For Molecular Bio, i scored 79% and Genetics was 85%. Sooo, wish me luck for last OSPE tomorrow and next week's tests =))))))))))

Thanks For Not Forgetting Me

I am so tired of fighting, so tired of not being the person I want to be. I constantly seek fulfillment, but I remain empty. I know where to find it. Why can't I? Why Don't I?
Everything seems so hard most of the time,I am not the person I want to be. I strive to get through one more day.when I really look at my situation and realize how utterly lost I am, it hurts. I see myself and where I am, how I am, what I do, what I don't do. Why?
Most days I can keep it together. But i can no longer bottle it up. i felt as if im suffocating at some point,never be in a comfort zone again. Everything has been tougher and tougher each day.
******************************
Im too self aware of how people look at me and react to me when they see me. Im no longer a person who once turn up in their lives. i can sense it somehow. I tried to smile back at them once we bumped into each other.To my disappointment, they never do the same thing in return. Im very reserved,i know and im lacking of confidence.
******************************
Insecurity calls. i always convince myself to trust him more.But I cant.Why? Again and again my imagination haunts me that he wont keep his promise. it hurts me alot.

LIFE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A BATTLEFIELD

i randomly thought about the title in the afternoon and i made it into a strong statement that what ive gone through till today,now at this moment and i posted in fb,so yeah i got pretty fucked up life again. Always could be the only fucked up moment that triggers me to blog,spending bedtime to actually type all my bs out. Feeling pathetic, most of the time.

Today was my second day in Uni life. i made so-called"Dos and Donts" before back to degree program. SO,first

1. Engage myself in all of busy and hectic life as a student.well duhh! and at the same time,stop whining about it.
2. I need to achieve cgpa of 3.65 no matter what!!
3.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE which i always fail at ='(
4. To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE
5.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE
6.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE which is a never ending thingy to achive fml!

Just as i stepped into the more crowded places, cafetaria,Medical building and also Dentistry building, i saw some few familiar faces people from my batch walking in and out like busy bees. I was kinda looked down on myself coz i couldnt make soo far. I cant just handle all the stress throwing onto me. Having all the registration done, unpacked all the things from luggage, i found myself to be more dependent than before, i came with my bro coz i cant drive that far and i dont have my own car as well. People asking me y im doing all this alone?In my mind, i told myself im not as lucky as they are,having parents beside them,helping moving all the big and heavy luggages till the highest builing of apartment. Im kinda blessed for having my bro there to help me taking up the luggages back to new room.He was the one who always accompany me to go certain places like NS time where he came alone to visit me during weekend coz i need him to buy some snacks and food. He was the one who settled up all my registration in secondary schools or taking my report card and he was the one who was turning up to accompany me during the registration for both foundation and degree studies. He is the greatest bro that i ever had, Ilove him.

Emotional Breakdown

Its 4am,in a pitch darkness while only the lappy's light is striking in front of ma face,having the loneliest moment of ma life.Cried bucket after having an emo conversation with him an hour ago. I was really disappointed and hurt. After half an hour only came to my realization that he sent me 3 messages,I replied him back but i didnt get any further text or call me back. i guess he must be sleeping by now.But FML i couldnt sleep at all after don crying silently on my own and my nasal clogged so badly.To be honest, i want him to accompany me all the time.Tho he is very very busy with his uni stuff and im on my most boring holiday.I promised myself to find a work but i stay at home every effing day.When im at home,i will get emo most of the time.I got no true friend to count on when im in need,to share my feelings or hanging out.So,the feeling of loneliness will always haunt me.Till he said he want to be with me,and since that day he walked into my life,i felt as if i was the happiest person in the world. And i will never get bored of texting or calling him,im willing to stay up the whole night just to talk to him and i will never get sleepy or tired of any conversation we had until he cannot tahan.

Maybe because of that,we are getting closer and closer no matter how far we are.without him, i will feel very insecure and lonely.And today, he got no time to text me more frequent than usual. Ending up the feeling of loneliness haunting me. and I wasnt in the mood when talking to him on the phone.Blame myself for being so dependent on him. And he said most probably he cant come to find me.I was indeed very hurt and started to cry. I want him to come but i dont want to trouble him at the same time. so i said Nevermind.What he thought was i didnt care about it at all.I have a hard time going to Penang to find him.Its because of my mom and bro.In fact, i'll never go anywhere alone and for a girl going to a guy's house isnt appropriate.They scolded me for being so irrational and stubborn.And i even lied to them once.Im being very useless as a daughter,i never work hard for them.I keep disappointing them and shouldnt be so dependent at this age.I cant promise him either if i can ever find him again after what i did last time.

p/s:im always by myself no matter what.Deeply hurt.Alone FML

When Insecurity Swept Me Away

In a state of thinking too much again. Dang it! I cant help myself from being a pessimist. I hate myself for being moody and down or going through some emotional changes . I guess thats why i blog soo frequently. I cant keep my emotions in check, literally. I keep telling myself im growing older and older,day by day.I need to be independent, not letting other people to treat me as a small girl. Time is tickling away, the Earth is revolving in every Milli second, yet i couldnt keep the pace or just be another joyful person and enjoy every moment in life. Faking a smile. Trying to hold back tears when things turned into a catastrophe and thats when i feel myself drowning into a deep isolated ocean where i barely gasping for air. I hate myself for being disorganized, lazybutt and shit procrastinator. gahh! And being soo unproductive lately. I just recall insecurity coz it came down like a huge wave and swept me away whenever im alone.

Dear God

Dear God, i was terribly lost and the galaxies crossed and the sun went dark.
Dear God, ure the only North star i will follow this far.

Promises, Promises

In all my life i wish u broke mirrors instead of promises coz all i see is the shattered conscience staring right back at me.Never promise somebody if u,urself cant even make it.

When u're in pain, don't fight it, u'll just get exhausted.Remember what Shakespeare said, "Feel the pain until it hurts no more"

world of our own =)

I'm so in love with him. his existence in my life somewhat makes me believe that there's love and happiness. he cheers me up most of the time. he colours up my life and im totally super energetic when he's with me =) power of love.lol sorry for being soo 'geli' about what i feel.teehee!

hmm its been a week after my second date with boyfie,yesh we're on long distance relationship and i will never thought this relationship would lasts for this long,for half year already yet i'll never get tired thinking of him every single effing moment >.<

He's from penang and im from AS. but now he's studying in johor and im still stuck in Kedah.all we can do is texting to one another and talking on phone before we hit the sack and wait until our next vacation,umm sort of our next date tho.Speaking about the 'date', my boyfie drove all the way from penang to my house to fetch me and met my family. well not the kind of 'meeting parent' session but umm asking my mom's permission to let me stay at his house for a few days.I used to lie at my parents before,for the very first date =/ i said i will stay at my friend's house and blablabla with all the stupid lies but seemed surreal. And honestly my mom and bro didnt like it at all, i mean with the suggestion that im going to sleep on his house,for them arent appropriate at all for a girl to stay at the guy's house.wtf and i phoned my sis to talk to my mom and convinced her that everything's gonna be alright. Mom finally said ok after my boyfie said he's gonna sleepover at my house next time. =S

The moment dating with boyfie was awesome.We did most of what other couples did rofl. watching movies in couple seat, walking by the seaside holding hands, went to amusement park riding on Ferris wheel and getting a glimpse on starry night while the soft breeze caressing my skin, he bought me heels and beg <3 if only i could spend all the time with him forever, alive, content and happy =) living in our own world.

I could still recall those sweet moments when he hugged me from the back to my surprise, kissed on my forehead saying goodnight before i went to bed. i felt as if i was the luckiest girl in the world.he treated me too good.somehow im afraid that i might owe him too much as what he had done all this while was for me.

I am blessed and grateful to have him in my life. As he said, " You're gonna be my first and only one" and im going to tell him the same way too. ILYSM! <3 till death do us part =)

random post

ah ha back to blogging mood. There's so many things going thru my mind when im doing nothing at home and thats the worst part as my thoughts start to overwhelm me. So, exactly one more month to go before im going back to Aimst, entering new stage of life, so called sophomore year i think coz i'll be touching all the real thick books mainly on scientific names and all the lab technologies,more and more experiments in the lab. YESH im going to be a degree student, biotech course =) idk why but im just getting excited about it >.< although it may be ten times harder than foundation studies but i think by now im already prepared to face all the adversities in the future. Besides, i really have to work my ass out to maintain cgpa at least 3.5, sounds tough but i need to get a scholarship for my degree. since im not from a rich family, financial probs always been a burden to my family. thinking back, i've made a wrong decision to further my studies in private uni. why would i never consider about doing form 6 before? its always been a bullshit stuff and makes me emo that i cant turn back for even once and i have to keep going on for the sake of future. and i dont believe in second chances which makes me push even harder to determine my future.

What tech gadget do you want to buy next?

errrrr ummm just a another phone, not too old or expensive, desperately NEED another ONE!

whats the best thing ever happen in your life so far?

hate me or love me?

hatred is a sin, so i love everyone including u =]

whats the best thing ever happen in your life so far?

¿uʍop ǝpısdn ǝʇıɹʍ noʎ uɐɔ

stupid!

whats the best thing ever happen in your life so far?

rupe atau harte ??

dua2 i pun nak =D

whats the best thing ever happen in your life so far?

The Best Feelings In The World

i feel it when : -sleeping in late
-having no homework
-being liked/loved back
-hugs that last for more than a minute
-a smile
-laughing till my stomach hurts
-getting an unexpected gifts
-not remembering when was last time i broke down and cried
-getting an A for a subject that i didnt much focus on
-when he text me every morning to start my new day
and receives a call before i eventually hit the sack
-looking at pictures from when i was little
-reminiscing all the good old days
-living up to someone's expectations
-when he tells me that he's afraid of losing me
-knowing that im loved
-being called beautiful
-finding those jeans/dresses that fit perfectly
-finally eating the food that im yearning for
-waking up and realizing that i still have hours of sleep
-making a stranger smile
-eating seedless grapes
-putting on short pants after wearing jeans all day
-making new friends
-being told someone is okay
-winning an argument
-proving a smart person wrong
-listening to my favourite song
-receiving hand written letter
-finishing a task given
-when people laugh at my jokes
-SMILING
-getting a friendship bracelet
-finding out the name of the song which stuck on my head
-packing for a vacation
-perfectly peeling off the price sticker
-watching my favourite movie/drama/tv shows
-realizing its FRIDAY!
-knowing that somehow or rather i'll be OKIE

self-reflection

Reblog and bold what applies to you;

My personality:

* I’m loud.
* I’m obnoxious.
* I’m sarcastic.
* I’m cocky.
* I cry easily.
* I have a bad temper.
* For the most part i don’t like people.
* I’m easy to get along with.
* I have more enemies than friends.
* I’ve smoked.
* I’ve smoked weed.
* I drink coffee.
* I clean my room daily.

My appearance:

* I wear makeup.
* I wear a piece of jewellery at all times.
* I wear contacts.
* I wear glasses.
* I’ve had braces.
* I have braces.
* I change my hair colour often.
* I straighten my hair often
* I have a piercing
* I have small feet.

Relationships:

* I’m in a relationship now.
* I’m single.
* I’m crushin’.
* I’ve missed an ex before.
* I’m always scared of being hurt.
* An ex has physically abused me at least once.
* I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
* I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
* I’ve been in love more than two times.
* I believe in love at first sight.
* I believe lust is more important than love.

Friendships:

* I have a best friend.
* I have at least ten friends.
* I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
* I’ve beaten up a friend.
* I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
* I can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:

* I’ve been on a plane.
* I’ve been on a train.
* Someone close to me has died.
* I’ve taken a taxi.
* I’ve taken a city bus.
* I’ve taken a school bus.
* I’ve gone bungee jumping.
* I’ve made a speech.
* I’ve been in some sort of club.
* I’ve won an award.
* I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
* I’ve been in a physical fight.

Music:

* I listen to R&B.
* I listen to country.
* I listen to pop.
* I listen to techno.
* I listen to rock.
* I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.
* I hate the radio.
* I download music.
* I buy CD’s.

Television:

* I spend at least six hours a day watching television.
* I watch soap operas daily.
* I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives.
* I’ve seen and liked the O.C.
* I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill.
* I’ve seen and liked America’s Next Top Model.
* I’ve seen and like Popular.
* I’ve seen and like 24.
* I’ve seen and liked CSI.
* I’ve seen and like Everwood.

Family Life:

* I get along with both of my parents.
* My biological parents are still together.
* I have at least one brother.
* I have at least one sister.
* I have at least one step brother/sister.
* I have at least one half brother/sister.
* I’ve been kicked out of the house.
* I’ve ran away from my home.
* I’ve sworn at my parents.
* I’ve made my parents cry.
* I’ve lied to my parents.
* I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
* I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing.
* I’ve lied to my parents so I’d be allowed out.
* I’ve walked out when I’ve been grounded.

Hair:

* I’ve been brown.
* I’ve had streaks.
* I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
* I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
* I’ve been blonde.
* I’ve had black. (no idea what my hair colour is)
* I’ve been red. (no idea what my hair colour is)
* I’ve been light brown.
* I’ve been medium brown. (no idea what my hair colour is)
* I’ve been blue/green.
* I’ve gotten my hair thinned.
* I use conditioner.
* I’ve used silk therapy.
* I’ve used hot oil treatments.
* I’ve curled my hair.
* I’ve straightened my hair.
* I’ve ironed my hair.
* I’ve braided my hair.
* I’ve never dyed my hair.

School:

* I’ve yelled at a teacher.
* I’ve been suspended.
* I’ve had an in-school suspension.
* I’ve been sent to the principals office.
* I’ve walked out of class.
* I’ve skipped an entire day of school.
* I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class.
* I’ve failed a test.
* I’ve cheated on a test.
* I’ve helped someone else cheat on a test.
* I’ve failed Art.
* I’ve failed P.E.
* I’ve failed math.
* I’ve failed science.
* I’ve failed another class.
* A teacher has called my parents

The Uncertainty Of Life

I wish I could cross my arms
And cross your mind 'cause I believe
You'd unfold your paper heart
And wear it on your sleeve

All my life I wish I broke mirrors
Instead of promises
'Cause all I see is a shattered conscience
Staring right back at me

I wish I had covered all my tracks completely
'Cause I'm so afraid
Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel
Or just the train?

Lift your arms, only Heaven knows
Where the danger grows and it's safe to say
There's a bright light up ahead
And help is on the way, help is on the way

I forget the last time I felt brave
I just recall insecurity
'Cause it came down like a tidal wave
And sorrow swept over me

Depression, please cut to the chase
And cut a long story short
Oh, please be done, how much longer
Can this drama afford to run?

Fate looks sharp, severs all my ties
And breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then, all my heavy hopes
Just pull me back down again

Then I was given grace and love
I was blind but now I can see
'Cause I found a new hope from above
And courage swept over me

It hurts just to wake up
Whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in

The end is uncertain
And I've never been so afraid
But I don't need a telescope
To see that there's hope
And that makes me feel brave