Emotional Breakdown

Its 4am,in a pitch darkness while only the lappy's light is striking in front of ma face,having the loneliest moment of ma life.Cried bucket after having an emo conversation with him an hour ago. I was really disappointed and hurt. After half an hour only came to my realization that he sent me 3 messages,I replied him back but i didnt get any further text or call me back. i guess he must be sleeping by now.But FML i couldnt sleep at all after don crying silently on my own and my nasal clogged so badly.To be honest, i want him to accompany me all the time.Tho he is very very busy with his uni stuff and im on my most boring holiday.I promised myself to find a work but i stay at home every effing day.When im at home,i will get emo most of the time.I got no true friend to count on when im in need,to share my feelings or hanging out.So,the feeling of loneliness will always haunt me.Till he said he want to be with me,and since that day he walked into my life,i felt as if i was the happiest person in the world. And i will never get bored of texting or calling him,im willing to stay up the whole night just to talk to him and i will never get sleepy or tired of any conversation we had until he cannot tahan.

Maybe because of that,we are getting closer and closer no matter how far we are.without him, i will feel very insecure and lonely.And today, he got no time to text me more frequent than usual. Ending up the feeling of loneliness haunting me. and I wasnt in the mood when talking to him on the phone.Blame myself for being so dependent on him. And he said most probably he cant come to find me.I was indeed very hurt and started to cry. I want him to come but i dont want to trouble him at the same time. so i said Nevermind.What he thought was i didnt care about it at all.I have a hard time going to Penang to find him.Its because of my mom and bro.In fact, i'll never go anywhere alone and for a girl going to a guy's house isnt appropriate.They scolded me for being so irrational and stubborn.And i even lied to them once.Im being very useless as a daughter,i never work hard for them.I keep disappointing them and shouldnt be so dependent at this age.I cant promise him either if i can ever find him again after what i did last time.

p/s:im always by myself no matter what.Deeply hurt.Alone FML