i hate myself

dang!! can u stop saying that im skinny? grrrrr i know ure being honest but for goddamn sake i understand myself wayyy better than u!! i know im being skinny and looks unhealthy but for sure thats not what i want to be coz im born to be this way u moron!! arghh i eat like normal people eat and of coz i live like normal people live. i dont drink, smoke or clubbing and im underweight with flat-chested. dear god, can u stop treating me like that? CNY is just around the corner and yet there's the same damn problem i face.CLOTHES CHOOSE ME instead of me choose nice nice clothes to fit my XS size. shytee!! my family keep saying im going to be fat when im fully grown up but Dear god,im already 19. am i still growing up?only god knows sigh.

today, i almost did nothing except whining about my period pain. and again god ar? y u did this to me? y u made me suffer almost every month? i need to study ler. y im born to be this WEAK? why? why? sigh i hate myself

I shouldnt blog at this hour

just a short post =(

This is what triggers my mind to blog, raging hormones. Pimples on my forehead, constantly feel that everything is overloaded on my timetable. 3 tests next week: ESAP, Moral and General Psychology. and OSPE test for Genetics is tomorrow fml and i should be studying at this hour. =/ well, i got a horrible mood swing. all right its all my fault and i admit it. i missed meteor rain last night, throwing my temper on him for not concentrating on me when i needed him. i know. i should tolerate more,giving more space as he needs to focus on study too. i know. he's a good boyfie and changed alot better since after our big fight lol.im too stubborn to change my attitude towards him.im being bossy, and needs him to accompany me all the time.i'll try to be more tolerant and forgiving =X

yesterday, i sat for OSPE Basic Chem. it turned out to be awful. i cant finish answering questions, just not enough time and felt so much guilt for that. and i realized speed is what degree students need during exam,there's no time for us to think and answer. so bye-bye to 20% of Basic Chem =/ BIODIVERSITY! GODAMNIT! I hate that gay lecturer. setting stupid papers for CA and OSPE and expect us to know how to answer them! its impossible. i dared not to look at my CA marks today as i got only 26/40 for objective questions after CA discussion. i did a terrible job for OSPE. same case as in Basic Chem OSPE. bye bye 20% of the Biodiversity. For Molecular Bio, i scored 79% and Genetics was 85%. Sooo, wish me luck for last OSPE tomorrow and next week's tests =))))))))))

Thanks For Not Forgetting Me

I am so tired of fighting, so tired of not being the person I want to be. I constantly seek fulfillment, but I remain empty. I know where to find it. Why can't I? Why Don't I?
Everything seems so hard most of the time,I am not the person I want to be. I strive to get through one more day.when I really look at my situation and realize how utterly lost I am, it hurts. I see myself and where I am, how I am, what I do, what I don't do. Why?
Most days I can keep it together. But i can no longer bottle it up. i felt as if im suffocating at some point,never be in a comfort zone again. Everything has been tougher and tougher each day.
******************************
Im too self aware of how people look at me and react to me when they see me. Im no longer a person who once turn up in their lives. i can sense it somehow. I tried to smile back at them once we bumped into each other.To my disappointment, they never do the same thing in return. Im very reserved,i know and im lacking of confidence.
******************************
Insecurity calls. i always convince myself to trust him more.But I cant.Why? Again and again my imagination haunts me that he wont keep his promise. it hurts me alot.

LIFE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A BATTLEFIELD

i randomly thought about the title in the afternoon and i made it into a strong statement that what ive gone through till today,now at this moment and i posted in fb,so yeah i got pretty fucked up life again. Always could be the only fucked up moment that triggers me to blog,spending bedtime to actually type all my bs out. Feeling pathetic, most of the time.

Today was my second day in Uni life. i made so-called"Dos and Donts" before back to degree program. SO,first

1. Engage myself in all of busy and hectic life as a student.well duhh! and at the same time,stop whining about it.
2. I need to achieve cgpa of 3.65 no matter what!!
3.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE which i always fail at ='(
4. To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE
5.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE
6.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE which is a never ending thingy to achive fml!

Just as i stepped into the more crowded places, cafetaria,Medical building and also Dentistry building, i saw some few familiar faces people from my batch walking in and out like busy bees. I was kinda looked down on myself coz i couldnt make soo far. I cant just handle all the stress throwing onto me. Having all the registration done, unpacked all the things from luggage, i found myself to be more dependent than before, i came with my bro coz i cant drive that far and i dont have my own car as well. People asking me y im doing all this alone?In my mind, i told myself im not as lucky as they are,having parents beside them,helping moving all the big and heavy luggages till the highest builing of apartment. Im kinda blessed for having my bro there to help me taking up the luggages back to new room.He was the one who always accompany me to go certain places like NS time where he came alone to visit me during weekend coz i need him to buy some snacks and food. He was the one who settled up all my registration in secondary schools or taking my report card and he was the one who was turning up to accompany me during the registration for both foundation and degree studies. He is the greatest bro that i ever had, Ilove him.

Emotional Breakdown

Its 4am,in a pitch darkness while only the lappy's light is striking in front of ma face,having the loneliest moment of ma life.Cried bucket after having an emo conversation with him an hour ago. I was really disappointed and hurt. After half an hour only came to my realization that he sent me 3 messages,I replied him back but i didnt get any further text or call me back. i guess he must be sleeping by now.But FML i couldnt sleep at all after don crying silently on my own and my nasal clogged so badly.To be honest, i want him to accompany me all the time.Tho he is very very busy with his uni stuff and im on my most boring holiday.I promised myself to find a work but i stay at home every effing day.When im at home,i will get emo most of the time.I got no true friend to count on when im in need,to share my feelings or hanging out.So,the feeling of loneliness will always haunt me.Till he said he want to be with me,and since that day he walked into my life,i felt as if i was the happiest person in the world. And i will never get bored of texting or calling him,im willing to stay up the whole night just to talk to him and i will never get sleepy or tired of any conversation we had until he cannot tahan.

Maybe because of that,we are getting closer and closer no matter how far we are.without him, i will feel very insecure and lonely.And today, he got no time to text me more frequent than usual. Ending up the feeling of loneliness haunting me. and I wasnt in the mood when talking to him on the phone.Blame myself for being so dependent on him. And he said most probably he cant come to find me.I was indeed very hurt and started to cry. I want him to come but i dont want to trouble him at the same time. so i said Nevermind.What he thought was i didnt care about it at all.I have a hard time going to Penang to find him.Its because of my mom and bro.In fact, i'll never go anywhere alone and for a girl going to a guy's house isnt appropriate.They scolded me for being so irrational and stubborn.And i even lied to them once.Im being very useless as a daughter,i never work hard for them.I keep disappointing them and shouldnt be so dependent at this age.I cant promise him either if i can ever find him again after what i did last time.

p/s:im always by myself no matter what.Deeply hurt.Alone FML

When Insecurity Swept Me Away

In a state of thinking too much again. Dang it! I cant help myself from being a pessimist. I hate myself for being moody and down or going through some emotional changes . I guess thats why i blog soo frequently. I cant keep my emotions in check, literally. I keep telling myself im growing older and older,day by day.I need to be independent, not letting other people to treat me as a small girl. Time is tickling away, the Earth is revolving in every Milli second, yet i couldnt keep the pace or just be another joyful person and enjoy every moment in life. Faking a smile. Trying to hold back tears when things turned into a catastrophe and thats when i feel myself drowning into a deep isolated ocean where i barely gasping for air. I hate myself for being disorganized, lazybutt and shit procrastinator. gahh! And being soo unproductive lately. I just recall insecurity coz it came down like a huge wave and swept me away whenever im alone.

Dear God

Dear God, i was terribly lost and the galaxies crossed and the sun went dark.
Dear God, ure the only North star i will follow this far.