Thanks For Not Forgetting Me

I am so tired of fighting, so tired of not being the person I want to be. I constantly seek fulfillment, but I remain empty. I know where to find it. Why can't I? Why Don't I?
Everything seems so hard most of the time,I am not the person I want to be. I strive to get through one more day.when I really look at my situation and realize how utterly lost I am, it hurts. I see myself and where I am, how I am, what I do, what I don't do. Why?
Most days I can keep it together. But i can no longer bottle it up. i felt as if im suffocating at some point,never be in a comfort zone again. Everything has been tougher and tougher each day.
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Im too self aware of how people look at me and react to me when they see me. Im no longer a person who once turn up in their lives. i can sense it somehow. I tried to smile back at them once we bumped into each other.To my disappointment, they never do the same thing in return. Im very reserved,i know and im lacking of confidence.
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Insecurity calls. i always convince myself to trust him more.But I cant.Why? Again and again my imagination haunts me that he wont keep his promise. it hurts me alot.

LIFE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A BATTLEFIELD

i randomly thought about the title in the afternoon and i made it into a strong statement that what ive gone through till today,now at this moment and i posted in fb,so yeah i got pretty fucked up life again. Always could be the only fucked up moment that triggers me to blog,spending bedtime to actually type all my bs out. Feeling pathetic, most of the time.

Today was my second day in Uni life. i made so-called"Dos and Donts" before back to degree program. SO,first

1. Engage myself in all of busy and hectic life as a student.well duhh! and at the same time,stop whining about it.
2. I need to achieve cgpa of 3.65 no matter what!!
3.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE which i always fail at ='(
4. To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE
5.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE
6.To be more SOCIABLE, APPROACHABLE and ACTIVE which is a never ending thingy to achive fml!

Just as i stepped into the more crowded places, cafetaria,Medical building and also Dentistry building, i saw some few familiar faces people from my batch walking in and out like busy bees. I was kinda looked down on myself coz i couldnt make soo far. I cant just handle all the stress throwing onto me. Having all the registration done, unpacked all the things from luggage, i found myself to be more dependent than before, i came with my bro coz i cant drive that far and i dont have my own car as well. People asking me y im doing all this alone?In my mind, i told myself im not as lucky as they are,having parents beside them,helping moving all the big and heavy luggages till the highest builing of apartment. Im kinda blessed for having my bro there to help me taking up the luggages back to new room.He was the one who always accompany me to go certain places like NS time where he came alone to visit me during weekend coz i need him to buy some snacks and food. He was the one who settled up all my registration in secondary schools or taking my report card and he was the one who was turning up to accompany me during the registration for both foundation and degree studies. He is the greatest bro that i ever had, Ilove him.