Emotional Breakdown

Its 4am,in a pitch darkness while only the lappy's light is striking in front of ma face,having the loneliest moment of ma life.Cried bucket after having an emo conversation with him an hour ago. I was really disappointed and hurt. After half an hour only came to my realization that he sent me 3 messages,I replied him back but i didnt get any further text or call me back. i guess he must be sleeping by now.But FML i couldnt sleep at all after don crying silently on my own and my nasal clogged so badly.To be honest, i want him to accompany me all the time.Tho he is very very busy with his uni stuff and im on my most boring holiday.I promised myself to find a work but i stay at home every effing day.When im at home,i will get emo most of the time.I got no true friend to count on when im in need,to share my feelings or hanging out.So,the feeling of loneliness will always haunt me.Till he said he want to be with me,and since that day he walked into my life,i felt as if i was the happiest person in the world. And i will never get bored of texting or calling him,im willing to stay up the whole night just to talk to him and i will never get sleepy or tired of any conversation we had until he cannot tahan.

Maybe because of that,we are getting closer and closer no matter how far we are.without him, i will feel very insecure and lonely.And today, he got no time to text me more frequent than usual. Ending up the feeling of loneliness haunting me. and I wasnt in the mood when talking to him on the phone.Blame myself for being so dependent on him. And he said most probably he cant come to find me.I was indeed very hurt and started to cry. I want him to come but i dont want to trouble him at the same time. so i said Nevermind.What he thought was i didnt care about it at all.I have a hard time going to Penang to find him.Its because of my mom and bro.In fact, i'll never go anywhere alone and for a girl going to a guy's house isnt appropriate.They scolded me for being so irrational and stubborn.And i even lied to them once.Im being very useless as a daughter,i never work hard for them.I keep disappointing them and shouldnt be so dependent at this age.I cant promise him either if i can ever find him again after what i did last time.

p/s:im always by myself no matter what.Deeply hurt.Alone FML

When Insecurity Swept Me Away

In a state of thinking too much again. Dang it! I cant help myself from being a pessimist. I hate myself for being moody and down or going through some emotional changes . I guess thats why i blog soo frequently. I cant keep my emotions in check, literally. I keep telling myself im growing older and older,day by day.I need to be independent, not letting other people to treat me as a small girl. Time is tickling away, the Earth is revolving in every Milli second, yet i couldnt keep the pace or just be another joyful person and enjoy every moment in life. Faking a smile. Trying to hold back tears when things turned into a catastrophe and thats when i feel myself drowning into a deep isolated ocean where i barely gasping for air. I hate myself for being disorganized, lazybutt and shit procrastinator. gahh! And being soo unproductive lately. I just recall insecurity coz it came down like a huge wave and swept me away whenever im alone.

Dear God

Dear God, i was terribly lost and the galaxies crossed and the sun went dark.
Dear God, ure the only North star i will follow this far.

Promises, Promises

In all my life i wish u broke mirrors instead of promises coz all i see is the shattered conscience staring right back at me.Never promise somebody if u,urself cant even make it.

When u're in pain, don't fight it, u'll just get exhausted.Remember what Shakespeare said, "Feel the pain until it hurts no more"

world of our own =)

I'm so in love with him. his existence in my life somewhat makes me believe that there's love and happiness. he cheers me up most of the time. he colours up my life and im totally super energetic when he's with me =) power of love.lol sorry for being soo 'geli' about what i feel.teehee!

hmm its been a week after my second date with boyfie,yesh we're on long distance relationship and i will never thought this relationship would lasts for this long,for half year already yet i'll never get tired thinking of him every single effing moment >.<

He's from penang and im from AS. but now he's studying in johor and im still stuck in Kedah.all we can do is texting to one another and talking on phone before we hit the sack and wait until our next vacation,umm sort of our next date tho.Speaking about the 'date', my boyfie drove all the way from penang to my house to fetch me and met my family. well not the kind of 'meeting parent' session but umm asking my mom's permission to let me stay at his house for a few days.I used to lie at my parents before,for the very first date =/ i said i will stay at my friend's house and blablabla with all the stupid lies but seemed surreal. And honestly my mom and bro didnt like it at all, i mean with the suggestion that im going to sleep on his house,for them arent appropriate at all for a girl to stay at the guy's house.wtf and i phoned my sis to talk to my mom and convinced her that everything's gonna be alright. Mom finally said ok after my boyfie said he's gonna sleepover at my house next time. =S

The moment dating with boyfie was awesome.We did most of what other couples did rofl. watching movies in couple seat, walking by the seaside holding hands, went to amusement park riding on Ferris wheel and getting a glimpse on starry night while the soft breeze caressing my skin, he bought me heels and beg <3 if only i could spend all the time with him forever, alive, content and happy =) living in our own world.

I could still recall those sweet moments when he hugged me from the back to my surprise, kissed on my forehead saying goodnight before i went to bed. i felt as if i was the luckiest girl in the world.he treated me too good.somehow im afraid that i might owe him too much as what he had done all this while was for me.

I am blessed and grateful to have him in my life. As he said, " You're gonna be my first and only one" and im going to tell him the same way too. ILYSM! <3 till death do us part =)

random post

ah ha back to blogging mood. There's so many things going thru my mind when im doing nothing at home and thats the worst part as my thoughts start to overwhelm me. So, exactly one more month to go before im going back to Aimst, entering new stage of life, so called sophomore year i think coz i'll be touching all the real thick books mainly on scientific names and all the lab technologies,more and more experiments in the lab. YESH im going to be a degree student, biotech course =) idk why but im just getting excited about it >.< although it may be ten times harder than foundation studies but i think by now im already prepared to face all the adversities in the future. Besides, i really have to work my ass out to maintain cgpa at least 3.5, sounds tough but i need to get a scholarship for my degree. since im not from a rich family, financial probs always been a burden to my family. thinking back, i've made a wrong decision to further my studies in private uni. why would i never consider about doing form 6 before? its always been a bullshit stuff and makes me emo that i cant turn back for even once and i have to keep going on for the sake of future. and i dont believe in second chances which makes me push even harder to determine my future.